Friday, November 9, 2012

10 things you will do this Diwali (but don't necessarily want to)

It's that time of the year again. The festival season! If we lived in USA, it would entail just two things- Christmas and New Year. But the abundant country that we are, we have to go about celebrating festivals from all religions with equal fervour. So, we started with Ganpati, moved to Navratri, Eid and still have our Dhanteras, Diwali, Christmas and New Year. This festival season lasts longer that Mumbai's winter season! And I haven't even counted the Halloween night that was used as an excuse for zombie partying. Boy, we surely have a lot of money going around for just about half a year. No wonder we crib during the months of April and March when budgets and (bad) appraisals scream out to our empty pockets.

Speaking of parting with money, lets get on to our first 'Thing you will do this Diwali':

1. Kitna Badhega?

Gold price. That's what I'm talking about. We all know its going to increase. But by how much, that is the question. If you are not discussing it already, you are clearly not talking to the right people. Things like 'This time I've been told it will go up to ___rs(fill up with any ridiculous number)' will make their rounds. People will quote their share brokers, the finance guys, even the neighbour's brother who works in a bank.  And mind you, the prices may just get there.

2. Kya Mila?

Yup its that time where clients start giving us stuff. You may hate the client every single working day (and non-working days for some), but the day that courier guy comes with the big hamper in your name; it makes working worthwhile. In fact, should we reduce their rate card now?

This applies to vendors too. The same ones that you have been avoiding paying bills. But then they stand at your reception with a tacky golden-paper wrapped box, so you greet them well and ask them if all is going good. After successfully avoiding the topic of 'outstanding amounts' you take the box and quickly rush to your accounts department, in the process to clear the vendor's money.

And then its a 'My client is better than yours' silent war between colleagues. 'What I got is atleast useful, yours will just make you fatter.'

3. Kya Khareeda?

The Tanishq ad says it all. You know that you don't want to overspend this year. You know you don't need it. You know that two months down the line you will find it at a discount. You will do your calculations, discuss it with family, get reassured about your decision. And then, one day before Diwali you will go and buy it. Because too many ads have used the words 'shubh' (yeah, we advertisers like to think that works). And because there is a free silver coin with it (which is going to comfortably sit in the tijori till you die).

With facebook and twitter you are also sure to put up a post about your latest purchase (with a picture, if you are really proud of it.) If you haven't done that, rest assured you will be asked when you go to office or next time you speak to a relative. If you are a married woman- kya mila husband se? If you are a married man- kya diya wife ko? If you are still to make your big Diwali purchase, think of the answer you will give to that question, and not necessarily what the wife wants.

4. Jhag-Mag

You were prepared a few weeks back for this. You had clearly outlined what you would wear at the next Office Diwali party, building party and that boring relative's puja (also a party). You hope that what you are wearing is the latest in fashion, and also hope that no one else wears the same churidaar you bought on sale. D'ont small things - that shimmery lipstick you bought and those new fancy mojaris. Of course all the bling you wear will stand out, just like they do in those jewellery ads (that's what we like to think too).

5. The Assured Prize

You subscribed to that mailing list. You opted for the store's free membership card. That itself entitles you to the 'assured prize'. These templeted emails go like 'This Diwali/ Dhanteras buy worth Rs. XX,XXX from any of our outlets and get an assured gift worth Rs.XX free*' Did you miss the asterik mark? Let's check your e-mails to see how many of them started with 'Win an iPad2...' (yes, Steve Jobs is smiling this Diwali)

6. Diwali Special Episodes

The channel guys know that you don't like to socialise during Diwali. They know that when the city is celebrating, all you want to do is sit at home by yourself and grab your sci-fi novel; only coz you have nothing better to do. So the channels have a special gift for you! Diwali special 'one hour episodes' of 'your favourite' saas bahu serials where the channels soaps' saas and bahus come together and...err... celebrate diwali.
Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of 'dhamakedaar' stuff on TV during diwali too. Haven't you seen the 'Ek Tha Tiger' promo? Wonder what Mr. Bachchan will wear on the Diwali special KBC...

7. Die-eating

If you have just joined the gym, then shame on you. You don't have that festive spirit in you. This is the time you need to splurge on mithaais and chocolates. You have all of the next year to do your dieting-shieting. You are going to be too broke to eat well anyways. And leave those greens aside! Do you know how expensive they are nowadays?

8. Mumbai Attack

The neighbours lit up the crackers tonight in the compound. You looked out the window. You cracked up your own achooos at night. Yes, this Diwali bring home the sneeze.

Its not only the crackers that will make you sneeze. Its also the pollution because everyone feels rich enough to travel by cars and taxis. Arre bhai the entire family is going out! So bring on the traffic. You will be revenged by the car-less person who will burst a rassi bomb right in front of your vehicle.

This diwali also welcome the rain. Or like the previous two years, you will need to look up to the skies and wonder, was that thundering? was that lighting? Is that the rain or did it come from the building? Don't worry. Chances are that it will rain. Now worry.

And then its time for a rain dance, whether you want one or not. Because every galli and nukkad has your favourite item number playing. You know the list, now learn the steps. Or laugh at those doing balle-balle on the latest Prabhudeva song.

9. Print this festive season

I'm going to run my own diwali brand perception study. I'm going to strike out all the ads in newspapers that have the following words: festive season, diwali dhamaka, special festive offer, bring home this diwali. Also the following visuals: crackers bursting behind a crappy headline, diyas, lanterns, torans, family posing in traditional indian (from stock photo sites).  I know I'm the wrong person saying that, but our clients 'make' us add these photoshop layers of stupid bursting crackers. They really think in a market like India it'll work. What can you say? Wonder how the Economist would say happy diwali.

Of course, this does not apply to the political banners for diwali. Why? Because all of them sould be taken down anyway. Unless some political party does something fun like 'Ek tha Pataka'.

10. Pocket Mein Rocket

'Saab, diwali do.' That's your postman, milkman, garbage man, lift man. Some that you see everyday, but do the chores without a word. Some that you have never seen but claim to be your secret workers. So keep those 10 ka notes handy (or 50s if you too rich) coz they are going to bargain with you this time too, even though you have increased the amount by 5% keeping inflation in mind. Bak-sheesh!

Are you reeling in the post-diwali syndrome already? Don't forget to thank me for pre-living your 'festive season'. Now I'm off to buy some ear plugs for the stray dogs. Dont want them to run towards me when some other idiot bursts a cracker, do I?

Have a safe one!

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